Funny or Interesting

2012-01-26T23:37:00.002-05:00

Getting Drunk
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

I am proud to have been raised in Michigan

2011-11-18T12:42:00.001-05:00

I was raised in Michigan, where we use our hand as a map, where Tim Allen, Alice Cooper, Madonna, Bob Segar, Motown, Eminem, Uncle Kracker, Stevie Wonder, Robin Williams, and Kid Rock are from. A vacation was to Cedar Point, Lake Michigan, Up North, or a drive across the Bridge. We love Faygo, Better Made Chips, Vernor's, Mackinaw Island Fudg...e, Strohs, and Red Wings Hockey. We know that the UP ......is ............a place not a direction. We know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but you drive through it to get to Climax and Hell. We play Euchre, swim in lakes, fish, and camp. Our dad's suntan stops at a curving line around his forehead. We have worn a coat and shorts at the same time. We bake with "soda" and drink "pop". We measure distance in hours. We can drive 65 mph in a foot of snow or a blizzard and not even flinch. I am proud to have been raised in Michigan!

Money

2010-10-13T11:49:00.002-04:00

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Most embarrassing moment: Tampax

2010-10-13T11:32:00.000-04:00

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

Most embarrassing moment: About Nuts

2010-10-13T11:28:00.001-04:00

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

Get out of the car!

2010-05-27T18:53:00.001-04:00

I just received this true story from one of my relatives. It came from a police report and I thought is was just too funny! Here is the story:

Senior Moments (True Story)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own carparked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter, and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments!

How to protect your Facebook wall from bad links

2010-03-10T22:23:00.002-05:00

I read this article today from USA today and written by Bryon Acohido. Since most of us have facebook accounts I thought I would share this article with you.

How to protect your Facebook wall from bad links:

Defensio supplies a free tool you can use to stop hackers from posting viral web links on your Facebook wall.

You'll still have to be cautious about clicking on infectious links arriving in Facebook messages from friends or in Twitter microblogs. Such tainted links, which instantly pull your computer into a botnet, may not be coming from your trusted acquaintance, as we described in this story.

But by signing up for a Defensio account here, you can at least protect against bad guys littering your Facebook wall with infectious links. Defensio will also protect your personal blog specifically by blocking viral links from comments to your postings, another way bad guys can take control of your PC, as they did last fall exploiting the hype surrounding the release of Twilight, the vampire movie.

"Unfortunately, with the increased adoption of social networks by both individual users and corporations, the threat potentially has also escalated," said Carl Mercier, Director, Software Development, Websense. "With the Defensio application for Facebook, businesses and individual users can now protect their Facebook walls from malicious links, inappropriate content and comment spam."

By Byron Acohido

I hope you enjoyed this article. I will actually write something with my own words soon.

Bethany

Burnt Biscuits

2010-02-19T18:47:00.004-05:00

A friend of mine sent me an email with this story. It really touched me and I felt a need to share it.

Burnt Biscuits

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired.

And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

Life is full of imperfect things....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

God Bless You..... Now, and Always....

So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine.!.!.!.! And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life... I just did!

Be Yourself.
An original is always worth more than a copy. .

It Couldn't be done by Edgar A. Guest

2009-11-29T19:42:00.003-05:00

Somebody said it couldn't be done,
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't, " but he would be one
Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing and he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one has ever done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing and he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.

Funny Motivational quotes

2009-09-29T01:20:00.000-04:00

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. Unknown Author

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective. Al Neuharth

Motivational thoughts

2009-09-29T01:08:00.001-04:00

I learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is, you can make it.
Gale Sayers

Where there's a will there's a way.
English Proverb

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley

I had a great Labor Day weekend

2009-09-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

I sent time with family at the beach, watched a band play music at CityPlace, had a barbecue, and saw 2 good movies, Final Destination, and National Treasure. Nice fun 4 day weekend.

I hope to have this attitude when I get old

2009-09-08T22:10:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine sent this to me. I hope to have this attitude when I get old.

This is great!! Enjoy!!

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making My bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant..
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, Or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and
Compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their Hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, But while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!

Serenity Under Pressure

2009-09-01T22:26:00.001-04:00

Sent to me by my friend Kathy...so funny!

Serenity Under Pressure

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember: When I’m having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

I'm up too late

2009-08-31T02:33:00.002-04:00

It's 2:30am in the morning and I am awake still! I can't sleep, I guess I am too restless. I am also still addicted to twitter. I guess that won't change since its the first thing that I logged into once I knew I couldn't sleep. I was in such a bad mood earlier, when I wrote my previous post. Its been a tough week for me. Ok, I must try to go and sleep now.

Later

Get to Relax!

2009-08-30T18:11:00.004-04:00

Auuuhhhhh....Sunday, finally I get to relax!

Funny tenant complaint:
"The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

Yesterday, Saturday, was such a crazy day for me. I finally got my rental house ready for the new tenants. My new tenants moved in on Saturday. I hope my new tenants work out. I checked everything on my new tenants this time around. I have become an expert at checking backgrounds on people. Once the Real Estate market turns around, I will proably sell my rental house. Tired of tenants.

I have gotten bored with twitter this week. TWITTER ADDICTION RESOLVED! I guess it was my bad mood I was in this past whole week. I will just focus less on twitter and concentrate on other issues in my life that are pending. I was just so exhausted from my rental property issues and other problem areas in my life that need to be resolved. So to get me out of this bad mood I am in, here is something to laugh about.

THE FUNNY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the
store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body.

Women: Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This
is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

This coming week should be better for me. I will blog more later

Funny Story

2009-08-25T23:32:00.004-04:00

I read this today. I just had to share it! : D

Funny story from Onlyfunnystories.com

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Motivational Quotes for today

2009-08-23T11:49:00.004-04:00

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day.
Thornton Wilder

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible. Arthur C. Clarke

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.

St. Clement of Alexandra

Lets see what can accomplish this week!